These Emotions Are Hard To Deal With

So you've finally decided to give up hoping cos it seems that you're on a dead end street. But some things had happened that made you want to hate the universe for being so fickle-minded.

You agreed that you will just go with the flow, and that includes hoping AGAIN, but you know that this time you will just play it cool.

Surprisingly, someone wants to join the fun. That simple conversation you've had made you ecstatic. People thought you were stoned cos you just wouldn't stop smiling the whole day. You know this means complication but you know you're not doing anything wrong.

That same day, something came up that made your giddy emotions flipped 360 degrees. You've never been so jealous for the longest time and you hated the feeling, but it was inevitable. You want to leave right there and then, but you can't cos everyone would wonder why you're acting like that. You don't have a fucking right in the first place.

A big sigh with a heavy heart was all you can do at that moment. It's so hard to act normal when you're actually not okay. You know that you're overreacting but you just can't help it.

That's when you realize that no matter how giddy this other someone made you feel, a simple action from him would actually make a lot of impact on you.

And now you know that there's no point in confusion. The answer's already there. You just have to learn how to properly deal with it.

All I See is a Dead End Street

"There are certain emotions in your body that not even your best friend can sympathize with, but you will find the right film, or the right book, and it will understand you." -Bjork

Or in this case, the right song.

Soon enough, perhaps?

Still Can't Marry at Almost 24

I was sick last week, and my sore throat finally took its toll on my body, so I didn't go to work last Friday. My supervisor asked me to present a medical certificate, even though I barely go on sick leave. It was supposedly an easy task, since I am not lying about my sickness, however, our company decided to change our health care plan, and I haven't got my card just yet. I immediately asked my mom to help me get that medical certificate. It was a simple medical certificate, but I still can't get it without my mom's help. Lol.

You see, I am still living with my mom and I can't imagine myself moving out any time soon. We grew up with our dad cos my parents were separated, and we just got to live with our mom when my dad passed away 7 years ago. We had a hard time dealing with his death, cos we've been pampered when he was still alive. My dad would wake up at 4 in the morning, prepare our breakfast and our things for school. We didn't have to do any household chores except for dish washing and cleaning our room. We also stopped getting maids when I was in 3rd year high school, so he's the one doing most of the stuff around the house. There was this one morning after he died, that I woke up feeling sad, cos I miss waking up with a prepared breakfast. Don't get me wrong, though. It's not just because no one will do the chores for us. I will always miss my dad cos I was a daddy's girl back then.

My mom isn't really the typical housewife. She's always busy with work and other stuff. But she taught us how to wash and iron our clothes, just so we can deal with these things whenever she's not around. Still with these changes, I can say that we are still dependent on her. Back in college, there were times that she'll help me fall in line during school enrollment. Lol. Whenever I need some documents for some important work-related stuff, she's the one getting them for me.

I also have a confession to make: I don't know how to cook. Yeah, I know how to prepare instant noodles and fry easy meals, so every time my mom would let me do the cooking, expect some hotdog for lunch or dinner. I love hotdogs, btw. =)

I just wondered about this because there are too many wedding news for this year, and that includes my 2 college best friends who got / will get married this year. I'm sad though cos they are both out of the country, which means I can't be there on their special occasions. Oh well, live online coverage (lol) and photos will do!

On The Hook

I've been a fan of this show since late last year, and there are a lot of episodes that really made me laughed real hard. There could be a lot of misconceptions about life and love on this TV series (esp Barney's FYI's), however, there are just some scenes or issues that will make you think and sigh, cos you can see yourself (or past life) in the story. LOL.

So two weeks ago, I've had a marathon of the latest season's episodes and there's this episode (the 16th one, I think) entitled, "Hooked". Basically, it's about stringing along someone's interest in you until someone better is available. So here, you can be the one on the hook or the hooker, and that brings us to a regret I've had a couple of years back.

I wouldn't really know exactly if I've hooked someone on my strings, cos I'm not an ass like that, however there's this time when I've been on someone's hook -- big time.

I met him during my summer class in college. We became close cos he would usually tease me and I think we were seatmates back then. Even though classes had ended, we still kept in touch almost everyday. We talked on the phone for hours and texted each other every now and then. I really couldn't tell if he likes me, but I was beginning to like him cos he's really fun to be with.

We became busy with school stuff so we barely talk or see each other. Whenever we got a chance to catch up on each other's lives, he would share that he was beginning to like someone that started a month or two ago. So yeah, I kinda assumed it was me. Ugh.

Then there was this time that I saw him hanging out with a girl and that really shocked me. I asked him who she was and he told me that it was the girl that he's been referring to in his stories. I tried to keep my cool and said that I'm happy for him. I knew then that I had to move on and just accept the fact it's not meant to be. But I really dunno what happened then, that I managed to do the stupidest thing in my life: confess my feelings for him. It was such a shame. He told me that he liked me back when we were still hanging out a lot, but it just didn't last.

After that confession, we just remained friends and tried to bring things back to normal. I told you guys that admitting my feelings was stupid, right? That was because it began this "on the hook" thing. And here are the instances where he started controlling that string:

• Whenever he needs someone to help him with his school work, I would be the first person he had in mind. Even though my class would start at 12, he'd meet up with me at 9am cos his class would start at 10. Then I'll just bum around for 2 hours. And this happened not just once, twice nor thrice.
• Whenever he'll start dating / seeing someone new, I'm totally out of the picture. Like he didn't know me at all. And when he'd start calling my house / texting me again, I knew he had just broken up with that girl he had recently dated. And he would totally forget me again once he meet someone new. I thought that it was a never-ending cycle. My friends would scold me for being so stupid, but I just couldn't resist him. Yeah, just like that teacup pig in How I Met Your Mother.

The worst part on that "calling/texting me whenever a girl dumps him" happened in 2006. It was almost a year since we've last talked and he suddenly called me up. To tell you that I was surprised was an understatement. So we started catching up on those lost years, and there he told me that he just broke up with this girl he's been seeing for a year (yeah, that's why he forgot me for a year). I wanted to hang up the phone right there and then. But as usual, I can't. He told me that he still wanted their relationship to work and he's been trying to contact her for a couple of days already. Then after 30 minutes of talking, he said that he needed to go because this girl just texted him and said that they needed to talk. That was the last time that I got a chance to talk to him and up until now, I think that they're still together. He totally forgot that I existed and he even deleted me on his social networking accounts.

Look at how jerk he was, and stupid I was back then. It's been so hard to let go once you've been on someone's hook. I hate these "hookers" who take advantage on someone else's feelings, and just keep them around until someone better comes along.

I'm afraid that this could happen to me again because once you've been on the hook, you would never really notice that you've been hooked by someone. You'll probably be in denial, not until you see those small details that you've overlooked, and finally have the courage to move on, stop hoping and just cut the string.

Not A Flower Person

Word.

Of all the guys I've dated, there were only 2 of them who managed to give me flowers during a special occasion, and that would be my college suitor and my 4th boyfriend. The college suitor / college ka-barkadagave me a bouquet of roses on a random school day after I told him that I never received a single rose even though I've already had 2 boyfriends at that time. Oh btw, I just had 5 relationships plus some MU stuff during the past 10 years. Hrhr.

I was so giddy upon receiving the bouquet that I immediately inserted some of the petals on my Philippine History book. Huhlolz.

But over the years, I've realized that I would appreciate chocolates over flowers. Lol. But srsly, I just find flowers unnecessary.

So for my future suitor / boyfriend, no flowers please. Any artsy, cutesy stuff would do. Books, too!

Clean Slate

I am a social networking whore. Since Friendster began, I've signed up on every social networking sites that existed. I've also tried several blogging platforms and microblogging sites, too. I consider blogging as one of my emotional outlets. My friends are asking me what do I get out of blogging and I just tell them that I enjoy writing down my present predicaments and thoughts. To each his own, I guess.

When the year started, I started to realize that I have to start cleaning my online footprints. Especially my blogs from 2004-2008. They were too detailed and lulzy! To quote my recent ex-boyfriend "My stench is all over the internet". HUHLOLZ.

So I've already deleted my 2 blogdrives and wordpress (my outlet during my post-breakup with the recent ex-boyfriend) and privatized my blogspot (that contains a lot of posts about my college love life lol). I've also privatized my other entries here that contain my hatred for the recent ex-boyfriend. Hahaha.

I am thinking of deleting my Friendster account since almost all of my friends and relatives are already in Facebook. But then, I am still holding on to its memories. LOLWUT. So I guess Friendster's staying, for now. Also yesterday, I've already disabled my Formspring.me account. I dunno if I'll still enable it cos Formspring is so 2009. Heh.

So that leaves me with Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Plurk, Last.fm and this Livejournal. Oh! I still have my i.ph blog but I can't delete it. I've already sent an email to the i.ph staff last year since they're the ones who could only delete that blog. But they still haven't deleted it, yet. Oh well. It doesn't really matter, anyway.

Speaking of Facebook, I already stopped making status updates about my current musings in life. Again, LOLWUT. I dunno. I don't wanna whine about random stuff every now and then. There's a better place for my 140-character rants and raves and that is Twitter.

Off to a good start, 2010.

A Sudden Change, Cynically Speaking

I think I am in my best mood to finish this journal entry that's been pending on my drafts for days now. Ok, indifferent feeling, bring it!

I never really liked this movie cos it's so shitty and emo. Plus, overrated. I'm always a chick flick type of girl and this film just makes me sad. I want happy endings, yah know. But watching it again made me realize something which I think changed my perspective on a ~certain~ aspect of life.

Taking chances was a part of my life. Yes, you've read that right. WAS. I was the type of girl that whatever I think that would make me happy, even without really thinking of the future consequences, I'd certainly go for it. Why would I bear the feeling of loneliness, if there are things that could make me happy. Life is short, is what I always say. I always see the glass half-full, never half-empty.

That specific scene from the movie made an impact on me but in 2 different ways. The first time I watched it, I was all "MEH, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. THAT'S BULLSHIT" at the back of my mind. Then after having a re-run just a couple of days ago, it suddenly hit me that maybe she was right. She certainly has a point.

My recent breakup was maybe one of the worse I've ever had but no, that IS NOT the reason I'm having this POV on romantic relationships. So what's the deal here? It's just that I suddenly realized that having a romantic relationship with someone would just complicate simple things. Heartache is definitely inevitable, however I just wanna spare myself from that feeling, as of the moment.

Aside from personal experience, I've had friends who underwent the same kind of dilemma just recently, which left me thinking, is it all worth it? Yeah, I know that you'll disagree with me. That why am I being this pessimistic on this idea. I've had several relationships, I tell you and they're all basically led to the same road - heartaches.

I just find it funny and I didn't expect that I would be thinking this way. The once-hopeless romantic in me, is now gone. Or not?

For now, that's my stand. I'm enjoying my life with friends and work. Life is simpler.

Or you know what? Maybe I just need someone who'll made me realize that another chance is worth a try, again.

*LOL EMO SHITFACE IS ON*